I'm tired....I have the opportunity to sleep, but I can't. Kinda sucks. Ashley and I took the kids to see the st.patty's day parade downtown. It was pretty cool. I had never been to it before (since im not irish, at all.) That was a fun day. we took the train downtown, there was like 500 people just waiting to get on the train. But, we got in the express line cuz we had kids. poor matthew had to ride on the elevator to get to the train dock thing. and he hates elevators. He was screaming, peed his pants. no good. but, after that he was quite happy. they loved the train. Thought it was like the coolest thing. The parade was cool. we didn't see that much of it. but we had a good spot right in front. The kids sat aganist the baracade and just waited until it started. they were so good. I was so suprised. They liked to horses and the bands. but after like 30 minutes of the parade they were gettin hungry so we went and got hot dogs. then went to see the fountains in tower city. Then we came home. Getting back on the train was like chaos. people were insane. Pushing and running, matthew and I were trying to get on and the cop had to tell the people 'stop pushing, watch the kid, what's wrong with you?' I don't expect people to bow down to me or anything just because I have a 2 year old, but damn, you could let the kid get on the train. it was mostly a bunch of teenagers. I don't see how their parents would let them go downtown, on a school day, by themselves, looking like whores. That's the thing that sticks out the most to me these like 15 year old girls with no cloths on. I would have been dead. And my parents were pretty damn easy on me. The one girl had on tights and a pair of underwear, and a tank top. Creepy. I would kill allison if I ever saw her like that, and she's not even my kid. but yeah, the ride back was funny, amongst all the crazy drunk people screaming 'ayo ayo' those two fell asleep.
I don't know it was cool. I would do it again.

So I suck though. I haven't gotten like anything done for school lately. I starting working on the one tissue paper project, but I hate it already. and my other 5 projects are getting about the same attention. I have another class starting tomorrow. It's online so shouldn't be that bad. but I gotta get this shit done. I'm gunna go to reahels tomorrow night and work on some stuff. I have good ideas but they need to be processed into reality.

On another note, I'm very excited because I just won three movies on ebay, I got tommy by the who, the yellow submerine (which I wanted to get matthew last year for his birthday cuz he's all into the beatles), and a movie called hype that's about grunge. I paid 12.00 for all three including shipping. sweet deal. I can't wait to see tommy, I haven't seen that since I was like 8. Should be pretty awesome.

Learning guitar is actually kinda working. gary got me a guitar. he traded a gun for a guitar and an amp, and the amp has distortion. so yay! I love me some distortion. I just need to work on my picking before anything else. Since the guitar is strung backwards for me, I have to learn how to strum the right way, it's pretty annoying. I should try just flipping the guitar back to right handed and see how that goes. but usually when I do that I get so confused and can't even play my own songs. So I guess I just gotta suck it up. if Hendrix could do it, why not me? I was fucking around the other night pretending I knew how to play pinball wizard, and gary was like 'I'm glad to see you're getting better' I was just like huh? I wasn't playing the chords for it (as far as I know) but I guess my struming we decent or else it wouldn't have sounded anything like it.

My little sister is the most awesomess kid. She called me the other day and played me her recorder, 'kadie listen, this is an a, and this is a c, and here listen to this song' So cute. She looks up to me so much. I need to be in her life more. I just feel bad sometimes because For so long we were hanging out alot and then matthew came along, and I just couldn't like I used to. Now that he's getting bigger though, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. She called me yesterday because she wanted to talk to me while she cleaned her room. she told her mom 'it's a girl thing' shes 7. so cute. so proud. I hope I keep my word with her more and we do hang out more, I live right down the street now, so there's really no excuse. I don't know, I need to do something productive, like shower. Laziness cannot get the best of me today, at least I hope not.

so yeah I went and did some songs last thursday. It felt pretty good. I don't know I'm too weird around people. I gotta get over that. I have projects I have to work on for school. I have to make something out of a stick in concrete. I don't know. I think I'm going to make it an infected brain, much like my own. I also have to make some stuff out of tissue paper, and foam board. And I have to make a mask out of food. and I have to make a journal, 20 pages long, of myself. I guess I got alot to do. Haven't been doing much of it though. I came up with ideas. I got a few pages done for my journal. but I'm not feelin' it like I should...maybe it's because I'm not really doing much of it that I'm not feeling it. I'm more into this whole music crap right now. Tryin to write some more songs so I got a little more to play.... it would be helpful. I want to get a crappy guitar out of the garbage or something and take it up to open mic and start playing a song, maybe my own, then after screwing up a couple times I just want to smash the shit out of it, then just keep singing the song accapella. I would like to see the reaction I'd get. If they'd out right kick me out, or, if they would just watch. It would be intresting, if nothing else. and I'm sure you would remember something like that if you were in the audience. My set went well I think. I started out with my song hit the road, then I did behind blue eyes, then I tried the moldy peaches, but I forgot the words, then I did toys in the attic by pink floyd, then I did six string orgestra. I had like five people come up to me after ward and they all said the same thing "dude, that was an awesome set" And I just said thank you and ran away, gotta work on that.

oh man, I suck at this whole journal thing anymore. I've been doing so much lately. We moved, back to Parma. Hopefully it wont suck in my soul like it does to everyone else. I think I can avoid it though. School things have been going very well. I had one of my art piece in the last show at tri-c, and guess what, it sold. yay! I am now a professional artist. who would have thunk it. So that was pretty cool. This kid that lives downstairs is an awesome guitarist, so we've been jamming and are planing on playing a show on thursday. Another one at bw, should be very cool. It was awesome last time, this time with an instrument it should be even better. I really like living in a house. makes things a whole lot better. I don't know. I need to update more, and more extensively, but that can be difficult. life is good, for the most part. Matthew is getting so big, he speaks so well. I'm very proud of him. for just being him really. but I guess that's what mothers tend to do, if they don't suck anyway.

So, I think I should post, I tend to do that after a night of preforming. I agree with Ashley on that it wasn't an impactful experience for me. It was more or less like a 'let's do this and leave' experience. Those I am not a fan of. I also agree with Ashley about the people being elitist arrgonant peices of poo, and that it was a crampt hall way with little room to move. Sucks, but what can you do. I wanted to see her do it, and I think that because the people there sucked and the atmosphere sucked it was alot easier for her. These were not the like-minded indivduals whose opinoins would actually matter to her. IT was just a bunch of those freaky clique people. I don't know. Reminded me of highschool a little. Oh well. That being said I think that all of us did awesome. Even if we wern't in our normal atmosphere. Ashley and I went up first. Then I did my own song, then I got frank to come up and ndo the elvis and ann margret song. Then I did the poe song, then we left. Saw the kid from sociology class, boris, who is putting me on an albom, suposably, anf Frank knew a couple people. So that was good. I don't think frank had a good time. I don't think he can. But i think that if he just puts himself out there more, he'll start to come around. I don't know. We'll see what happens with all that. but for now, I kinda just want to paint some pictures. I gots me some canvas to use up.

Oh man, Christmas rules, as long as you cut out the whole capitalist mantality of the country, it's like one of the greatest holidays ever. I just don't know though, I had a better time at nancy's last night than I did at gary's family's house today. They don't get it. They had bad food and not much to talk about with them. Tomorrow should be better. When it's just imidete family, it's always better. Gary and I opened our
presents already he got me art stuff, canvases, paints, colored pencils crayons, all that good stuff that I oh so desprately wanted. I made him a picture and a poem and put it in a frame, I got him another tool box, some candy, and two movies. he liked it all. I even saw a tear when he read the poem. that was awesome. Matthew got a big dump truck from his aunt tonight and some cloths, and a little crane thing. I can't wait until he opens the presents we got him. he's gunna love it. We only got him a couple of things, but with gary getting laid off and everything we're lucky any of us got anything at all. HE got play doh, an outfit for teddy, another teddy bear, a weird ball that looks like an atom, a bowling set, veggie tales, one of those guns that shoots out the balls, and that's it. not much, but something. altogether we probably only spent like 75.00 on christmas presents. including the crap we bought garys aunts. Good thing we can rely on the true meaning of christmas. I hope that he will grow up knowing what really matters in life. I hope that he's humbled by having poor parents that do what they can. I really dont want him to grow up thinking he has to buy people things for them to love him. I never want him to buy me anything. I hope that every year, even after he's gorwn that he makes me something. Nothing could make me happier than maccaroni art ya know. To me it really is the thought that counts. The only gift I really want to get him that will be expensive when I actually do buy it is a drum kit, a real drum kit, not a crappy kids one but a real one...maybe a crappy real one, but a real one. He wanted real drumsticks, but I didn't get them. Maybe around tax time. Yeah I have a two year old that wants drum sticks for christmas... Wish I captured that request on tape. People tend not to believe me, but it's true. Kids creepy. He's good too, always in time. If I knew how to put a video on here, I probably would, then again I don't really like to parade him on the internet. It was cute, we've been playing with the keyboard lately and I told him that the names of the keys are just the letters a-g and I went through them on the keys, only did it once too. The next day I brought the keyboard out and he starts playing each note going 'a,b,c,d,etc..' even if he doesn't understand fully, it's still cool that he could make that connection by only telling him once. he keeps begging to goto school. We couldn't go this month. We didn't even have the gas money at the time to take him, so he just couldn't go. but he still has one more, and hopefully, after tax time we can use some money to sign him up for another class. They have one that's a little longer, and also involves dancing, theater, and art, along with the music playing. I think he would enjoy that more than just learning about the instruments anyway. He will get to choose what he does that day, and I like that idea. Of course, it's still a class where I am there with him. Mommy has a hard time letting go of her baby, gotta work on that. Pre-school is only like a year away, if not less.

I got a C in my music class, that sucked. I can't believe it. But oh well, I'll just have to get 2 A's in my two classes next sesmister. I'm onlu takeing abnormal psy. and art therapy. That will be fun. I have to work on my final portfolio for art therapy. That's mainly what I need to get into ursulin. I can do it! I was looking up information on the program they offer and it looks very intresting and also difficult. I can only transfer certain courses. I need to figure out what those are and get on it. I almost have enough credits to transfer as it is, but I would like to do as much as I can at tri-high, because it is much, much cheaper. Even though I don't pay for it anyway, I wouldn't want to waste more taxpayer money than I have to. I got Gary to sign up for sociology. I think he'll like it. I think it's not what he expects. he needs to go talk to a counsler for the rest of his classes though. see what they have to say. I think school will be good. Hopefully I have some progress in art therapy. I really need to do some more research and everything. But I want to be able to like blow them away with my project. I'm going to be on two CD's. I don't know when they are coming out, and I don't know what they will be called. One is from the open mic I did in november. There will be three songs of me singing accapella. The other is just my song that I recorded with ryan a few years back. That one is going on some sort of charity CD, we'll see what happens with that. I want to get out sometime next week to open mic. I have a few ideas of songs I want to do. I need to start recording all my open mics, just so I can review them.
Man, life is always insane. but it is also fun. I just gotta remember that timeless saying 'shit happens' and I'll be okay.

Alright, so I just finished my personality final. I got and 85. Sucks. I needed a 92 to get a B in the class. I have a 79.55% in the class. Should have cheated. Should have checked my answers, but I always change the wrong ones and get a worse score. I don't like online classes at all. But, maybe he'll be nice and bump that up to a 80...oh I can only hope. That felt good to get that done. Now all I have is a data work shop and two more finals, then time to breath. Tuesday is intro to music reading, wedsday is sociology. Sociology should be pretty easy. I have an 89% in that class as of right now. So, I'd be happy with a B on that final. I need to get like an 89-93 to pull of a B in music. I got an A in art therapy, so I don't really have to worry about that. But now I think I'm going to lose my wonderful 3.75 grade point average...oh no might drop down to a 3.5, right? well I need to do well in order to get into ursulin, it's not an easy school....after this simester, I'll have 31 credit hours, then I need to consentrate more on my core courses come summer. I'm only taking abnormal psy, and art therapy next semester to consentrate on my portfolio and theies project for ursulin, I want to have figured out some sort of way to exersice art therapy in daily life, and also to see the effects it has on society, and individuals. I also want to use myself as a sort of case study, like my transition from when I started to learn about this until now. Pretty much we've been learning art therapy by doing. And I can see a large change in myself already. I don't know. Its all a little confusing on how it comes together, but soon, I'll have more time to devote to that area of thinking. Right now, I gots to get me learn on.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=47408332

Check it out I have a video!  How cool is that one.  This was at my Friend rachel's house.  Ashley and I went there like it must have been october and Reachel took this vedio of me, people are talking and stuff, but meh,  gotta start somewhere I guess.  ^_^


It was awesome too, not thanksgiving but the thursday before that we went to this random open mic at B.W.  It was a benefit to rasie money for a surority/fertenity thing.  I don't know.  It cost a dollar to get in, well I was free cuz I preformed, that was kinda cool.  And a dollar for coffee.  Well worth it.  There were about 50 people there.  I went up and did, the usual, Hey pretty-poe,  Then my own song, Then, love regin ore me by the who.  It was crazy, they whistled.  but it;s not often you see some girl in a skirt go up on stage and scream as loud as they could without completely careing how they sound.  Good stuff, gotta work on it though.  Still, yays, and whistles, ill take it.  Never had a reaction quite like that.  At first it didn't seem like many people even knew who they were, well a few went "yeah!" when I said the who.  but still.  Accapella might just work for me.  Fuck the musicians, who needs em anyway.  That was a crazy night, I took some girls poem out of the trash, she read it on stage.  it was pretty profound.  I liked it.  and I like that I got to garbage pick something so cool.  This brother and sister went up and played a few different native american flutes.  very cool.  they played the one duleing bangos thing.  it was great. Another guy went on before me, also accapella.  that really loosened me up a bit.  It was sweet.  I don't know.  I love ashley I couldn't have done it without her, and I don't think I could have done it without racheal either.  It made me feel very confortable and at ease to have both of them with me.  Just kinda fit.  I don't know though, we almost didn't go in.  But there was some other girl there walking up to the house and we were like ' god theres like 6 people in there!  should we do it!?'  and she was like 'well if all four of us go in there will be 10 so you should do it!'  without that, I wouldn't have done it on my own I know that for sure.  
oh good times I guess.  bunch of shit all the time.  School, family, friends, doing this.  I don't know how I can fit myself in any sleep.  But it's worth it, that's for sure.

Don't say anything about all the spelling errors, I can't help it.

So....Another dead friend....It's getting old.  I'm only 22 and people are already dropping like flies.  I thought we weren't supposed to go through this until we got older.  Apparently, I was wrong.  oh well... What really bothers me is that the people that have died had so much to offer the world.  but that just got stripped away.  I don't really know how she died, just know it was a car wreck, I know her kid wasn't hurt.  I guess that's all that matters...still, she was so strong, and all that strength just got slashed right at her prime.  I wish people that actually deserved to die died, not the good hearted young.  ahh, I don't know.  Seems like I've always had to deal with death though....even when I was little.  it just makes me think of all the people I've known, and then I think they could be next, or I could be next.  at any moment, any situation...you could just die.  My own death doesn't bother me as much as knowing the people I love could die.  I'm just a little sick of death....seems like just about every other year or so someone either dies or almost dies, then I'm left here with this whole get off your ass and do something before you're dead, type attitude...which I guess isn't a bad thing, I just wish I could have it in some other context...I don't know...I'm not much for doing things that need to get done right now.  which is horrible, procrastination does not improve grades, that's for sure.  but my mind just can't focus like it should.  ADD maybe, or is that just a cop-out excuse?  probably the latter.  I should probably draw to get some of this out.  that is what I should do...but I probably wont...I'll probably just try and drone myself out into some other world where things aren't as they are.  too much right now, too confused, too frustrated, too tired...too sick and tired of being sick and tired I guess.....

So, yeah, I'm bored again. Just sittin around. Got some coffee and a cigarette, good to go. It's cool cuz I get to take these personality tests for my theory's of personality class, and all thought I am quite the neurotic, I like the results I'm getting. Mainly because their accurate. I don't know. I had Ashley take one while thinking of me and it turned out to be almost exactly the same as my own results. I guess I'm just honest about who I am. That's a good thing right? I think people think that I'm not. I think people think a lot of things about me, but again, I am a neurotic, SO that is likely to happen. I got all this stuff I gotta get done for school, I got to write a paper about an art exhibit, I have to write a paper about census stats. I have to not fail my music class, like I'm currently doing, I have to make my own deck of tarrot cards, I have to type like 6 reflection papers. I need to read my personality book and take some test. too much. Don't have the energy to do any of it. My brain just wants to shut down and watch some crappy TV that doesn't involve any thinking what-SO-ever. It's a horrible way to feel. I wont give in though. Instead of TV, I'll listen to music, and play on this internet thing...although even that is getting quite boring, SO overrated the internet is. I don't really get it. But that's alright, because I don't get too much about society anymore. It's all changed so much since I was really an active participant. I don't even have a cell phone ya know? like totally out of the times. put me back to 1996 at the latest, then maybe I would fit in. I just don't get why people can't talk to one another anymore. I was thinking about this last night, about how most of our real human interaction is with the people who serve us in stores, on busses, etc. Mostly everyone else people will communicate with over the phone or this internet thing. and even the phone is becoming obsolete with the whole text messaging thing. This is something that has come quite apparent to me as I sit outside in the smokers section at school and see a large group of people not speaking, but texting. They aren't even talking on their phones anymore. now they can be quite and talk at the same time. god forbid we just all threw our phones away and talked to one another while smoking. people could actually get organized, be personable, just be plan old courteous. But whatever, just had to rant cuz I'm bored. I forgot the point of all of it anyway...but that's alright, I'm sure it made sense. I should just go sleep...haven't been doin much of that lately....ahh music sweet music, wish I could caress and, a kiss.....

GET OUT THERE AND VOTE PEOPLE!!!

happy halloween!

I haven't written in awhile so I'm gunna try now. 

streched to the limits
beyond satifaction
reeping the benfits,
yeah right, I ain't got them
tend to wonder why i can
have all that I somehow have
left with shattered broken remains
gotta think of back in the day

piles of shit all around,
some on the table, some on the ground
too many tasks are at hand
but I don't have time, or patiens or room
just gotta wait until that view
is present in my daily life
then the piles will dissipear
organized and sorted
out of my view

Life is going by so fast,
so young, gotta make the best of it
I will try in everything
cuz I gotta, I can't stop being
Live up to me, who I want to be
and that same damn star always shinning on me

I will prove one day true
all my findings, in life and anew
focus will come to the entire world
when I break out, I'll break the mold
take with me my withered heart
and hold it high, to fall apart
let you suck and drain, and seep
all that is life, right out of me

my remains held high on a pedastol
above the masses on their ways to school
they will remember and say she changed
the ugly into beauty, and fixed the decayed
those piles willl be gone then and decomposed
it wont matter how neat I used to be
the only things that matterd are my thoughts and my dreams

You know, I was just thinking about who My favorite band is and I think I may have finally found them.  It's a band I've known my whole life, but never really got into.  Kinda like Pink Flyod, you know.  I didn't even get into them until I started dateing Gary.  I knew their songs, I listened to them on them on the radio, and probably even sang them at open mic a couple times.  But I didn't know how powerful they really were.  Anyway, that's my comparrison for this not so new found obbsession, and I think my all time favirote band, which I've never really claimed anyone to be before.  It all started in rock n roll class when we had to watch 'The kids aren't all right'.  I just got completely absorbed.  The teacher asked me what I thought and I told him I wanted to be just like keith moon, absolutly no inhibitions.  It would be a beautiful thing.  Unfourtantly, at this time I still had no internet acess and no money, so I couldn't really just 'look em up on you tube' or go buy the cd like was sugested to me.  No, no, I had to wait.  Then about two days or so later gary and I went up to the flea market, and waduya know, first crate of albums I look in, there it is;  The Who 'Who's Next'.  Fuckin' mint too.  So I paid my dollar for it and came home and had to wait about two days to actually listen to it.  I could have listend to it with Matthew, but that first time I listen to an album in it's entirety I like to just sit down and listen to it, not have to play with a two year old at the same time.  SO I did, and I was just like wow.  Not all the songs were the best songs in the world, but damn.  Every fucking note has this intencity that is just undoubtably great.  I was enlightened.  It was great.  But then It just kept on getting better.  So gary and I went up to the flea market a few time and no luck.  But then, then something wonderful happened.  We went up there one sunday and I found two who records, live at leads, and The who by numbers.  Live at leads is better than the who by numbers but their both very good.  What I need though is to find quadraphinea (sp?) I keep listening to all the vedios I can find on you tube now that I do have internet and it's just makeing me fall more and more in love.  I can for once in my life say that I have a favorite band.  And that band is The Who.  They embodie, to me, all that is or ever was rock and roll.  From viewing interviews, reading articles, and listening to their music, as well as watching their concerts, I am completely in awe of how incredible this band actually was.  To me, they didn't just see rock and roll as music, but as a way to tell a story, a way to bring up not so great subjects, and a way to make you feel every emotion they were trying to convey.  Everything that I've heard, or seen of the who I like.  Every member, even with their problems, remained loyal to the other members churning out some of the greatest musical masterpeices I have yet to hear.  It's too bad that keith moon had to eat shit load of drugs and killed himself.  I don't know.  The best thing I've seen so far is a clip on youtube from 'the kids aren't alright'  where their doing barbra ann.  It's sweet.  I think I'm done now though.  The Who.  They are the best!

  Oh, I'm so tired.  Such is life I guess.  School is going fairly well.  I got an A on my music test, and A on my personality test.  I just hope I get an A on my sociology test next week.  I gotta do a data workshop before next wendsday.  Should be easy though, I just gotta observe some conversations and write down my findings, and I'm good at observing people, so it shouldn't be bad.  I get to go make some clay stuff on monday at dinoras.  I get to use a potery wheel! I've never done that before.  I'm excited.  My last clay class was freakin sweet.  I just hope I can do the whole wheel thing.  I'm sure I'll figure it out. This month just like flew by for me.  But I still want it to be october.  Matthew has class next thurday.  He gets to learn about percussion this time, and that;s his favorite.  I got the sweetest video of him and Jayden (his cuz) playin his drum.  It's so cute. 
So....I responded to this ad on craigs list for a songwriter/singer; after my horrible experance with druggie man.  And he responded and everything, and we're suppossed to get together on Friday to 'jam'.  We each picked out three songs, and two of his three songs are causing me problems, and two of my three songs are causing me problems, so that's no good.  So here's what we're planing on doing
my picks: Yesterday - the beatles, House of the rising sun - dylan (really he stole it), and counting blue cars -dishwalla.
His picks - audioslave - I am the highway, Stone temple piolts - wicked garden, and Bon Jovi (ha!) - have a nice day
So I'm having problems with the beatles, dishwalla, audoslave, and bon jovie.  But I think I can mannage the bonjovie song is I try really hard, and maybe, maybe yesterday.  I don't know.  The most I can do is try, so that's what I'm gunna do.  Oh yeah, this guy is for reals too.  He has givin me like 7 links to songs he's covered and songs he's wrote.  so it should at least be promising, much more promising.  But I hate his name, it's my dads name, yuk.  There's my jerry seinfeld self shinning through, but y aknow, I gotta be like that, it's the only way I know.  bleh.

So yeah, in all today went pretty well.   First I'll talk about the later part of the day, then the begining.  So Ashley watched Matthew tonight and Gary and I went over to this Jimmy Beam guys "studio" which was not a studio at all, more like the back room to an office building that his daddy owns; and he squats in, and only consisted of the smell of urin BO and lack of any type of cleanliness. oh yeah, hid guitar and amp as well.  So Yeah, I tried my hardest to hummor this guy and we did play a couple songs but none of them all the way through.  Dude is 32 years old and totally burnt out.  He can't keep time, he can't consintrate, and he doesn't even play the songs how their suppossed to be played.  When I said something he was like "It's my own interpritation of the songs"  Well yeah, that's all good and fine when you actually have status enough to change something that is already perfect, but when you say that you are going to play a "preppie" bar; those people expect the songs to sound like, well, the songs.  So I don't know what I want to do with this.  I don't really like this guy.  Not too much, no.  But ashley said I should give it one more shot and see how it goes and then bail.  But, quite honestly, I don't even want to do that.  It was not a good experience.  I mean, I feel insulted that this guy even told me he had a studio.  I've been in a real studio, one bigger than my damn appartment.  huge screens, lots of mixers and buttons, mics, drums, guitars everywhere and anything else you could imigine a studio would have, it had.  Not some nasty ass hole in the wall this fuckin coke head is choseing to ocupy.  I don't know.  Dude doesn't even have a date for this so called show.  I don't think it even exists.  I am quite dissipointed with all that, but I will just move on and keep looking for real serious musicans. 

 

Now to the good part of the day.  Ashley and Alison came over and we went down town to the marina/rock hall area and walked around.  It was really fun.  The kids chased the seaguls behind the rock hall, then we found the submarine and went on a three dollar tour, but matthew was too scared to go inside so we waited at the picknick tables while ashley and alison looked around.  he got to look through a parascope, that was pretty cool.  Then we walked back by the car (which was parked next to the rock hall) and I heard music so we went by the entrance to the rock hall, where the flowers are and stuff.  Matthew danced and ran around.  It was really cute.  One of his favorite beatles songs came on and he got all excited.  Then we came back toward parma, and the kids naped in the car, as we drove around.  Then we went to some crazy park in independace.  They have like a little safty town and everything.  It was cool.  A good day, if I forget about the whole music part of it.  I don't know.  I'm still gunna keep trying and shit.  Just not with that guy.  I need a musican that is not completely burnt out and is willing to try other kinds of music.  I don't want every song to sound like green day ya know, I would rather it sound like a combanation of green day, johnny cash, and pink flyod or something.  I don't limit myself in anyway to any musical style.  because essentally it's all rock and roll, and if you want to strip that down even further, all rock and roll is, is the blues played a little faster.  So yeah.  I don't know.  We'll see what happens next I guess. 
 

Heres a picture of the kids, aren't they little cuties

Okay, so heres what's going on.  Dude called last night, were supposed to figure something out for this week.  I guess there's a show in three weeks.  Don't know very much about it.  Gotta ask more questions.  That, and remember things.  Anyway, So I'm gunna do that.  But here is my problem with all this.  I realize that everybody has to start somewhere.  but I don't know if I want to be that "rock star"  I think I would like to save the world and all, but that's just an idealist inside me.  But I don't want anything that comes along with that.  I want people to know who I am and embrase my ideas and belifes, with my music.  But I don't want the fame and distrust and problems that come along with it.  I really want to make music.  It's my soul, and I am doing art therapy and stuff so it really fits into the rhelm of what I want to do with my life.  But I don't want it to be insane.  I like my little quiet life, it's nice.  And although I want to help people I tend to think that I don't even like the majority of the people that are out there.  They ttend to disgust me.  But then, how can I turn a blind eye to that.  I don't know.  I think of these things on a much higher level than the average person.  Analyzing and picking away at things a little more than they need to be.  I just gotta remember that there is always the hope that this will fail.  in which case I can go back to just siting around writing songs for myself and my friends.  In a more confortable kinda way...damn anxiey bull shit.  I will find a way to conqure you with my research. 

So yeah I'm pretty bored right now.  Kinda sucks.  Guess what happend to me last night though.  It was pretty cool.  Ashley and I went up to Java Joes for some coffee and it was open mic night.  So I went on and everything, and then the host was told me I was sweet and then we played togetther.  First we did a kick ass version of knockin on heavens door, I actually screamed.  it was cool.  then We improvied and he just played guitar as I made up some lyrics, that was good too, I was told.  Then we did polly, that wasn't so good.  Then he played guitar, and I added lyrics from my mommy song that I wrote.  So after we were done playing and shit dude asked me if I wanted to start a band and play a show in a month.  He said theres going to be like 200 people there.  that would be crazy.  HE said he had a studio too.  Haven't heard anything from him yet though.  Maybe I'll give him a call.  I donno.  Crazy shit.  Maybe I can still grow up and be a rock and roller after all. 

So I think I'm going through some sort of transition right now, and I think it has to do with my music class and my slight ability to actually understand how to read, and play music with ease.  It's still new and forgin to me, but I think I'm starting to grip it a little better.  I wish the class itself didn't suck so much though, maybe they'll get better.  I'm sure I'm no help seeing how I don't offer any insight myself.  I don't know.  I took Matthew outside this morning and let him dig and jump in the mud.  It was so cute and funny and he was so into it.  He made like a stream instead of just a big puddle.  He was so dirty by the time we got done.  Fun stuff.  He was still in his jammies though, so it was cool.  Came in got laughed at in the hall way, but he really was quite cute.  took a bath.  Hung out.  Watched some Muppet videos on you tube, mainly animal, and he really likes the one buddy rich vs. animal drum battle.  Boy's got some good taste. I worry sometimes though, that I'm influenceing him maybe too much and driving him to be what I have always wanted.  But then he throws a football at me and I remember that I just let him listen to the stuff, If he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.  And he also loves alot of things that I don't have intrest in.  I gotta sign him up for t-ball next year he's all into baseball now like crazy.  I have no clue who he got that one from though.  I don't know, the boy is just an energy ball.  so fun.  Oh and he likes the beatles a lot.  But I really don't.  so there ya go.  I donno.  Gary is gunna goto school in the spring, that's freakin sweet.  he needs it.  He'll feel so much better about himself.  He'll get to be around people (some of them) with brains, and he'll have fun.  So I'm happy for him.  I guess he's going through a transition too.  I hope it's a good one.  I'll support him as much as he needs me too, because he did eventually do the same for  me.  And I'm glad to see that he realizes it's a good thing, and he'll be better off.  I don't know.  So I write songs alot again.  Just random songs, I'm working on another guitar one but I think I forgot it.  I like how I can write songs on the guitar when I know virtually nothing of how to play it.  but I am learning I know where Em is that's an easy one.  Ahh life just wirlin by.  I got some more pictures too.  Let's freakin post em. I guess just the one. 

Matthew and Allison